Remember When They Found Cocaine in the West Wing? I Found Cocaine in 'The West Wing'

I'm not ashamed of this one. In fact, I'm proud.

I’ve been writing about fanfiction a lot to kick off this Substack experiment, specifically stories inspired by The West Wing. I have plans to discuss other subjects — like the actual, fully original passion project I can’t nail down — but since it’s the 25th anniversary of the pilot of The West Wing airing on NBC and forever altering how I lived my life, I had one last gasp I wanted to share to pay tribute.

So, in July 2023, they found some cocaine in the West Wing. No, not the show. The actual West Wing of the actual White House. No one ever figured who it belonged to or how it got inside the White House undetected and a Secret Service investigation was closed without ever providing a conclusion.

But I had some ideas. Not real ones, because my ideas only came about because I kept hearing the words “cocaine in the West Wing” over and over and over again (I work for the News) and I had to do something about it.

I wrote a scene of The West Wing during which the senior staff of the Bartlet administration has to deal with the discovery of cocaine in the White House. I had to. It was too fun of an opportunity. It reminded my of my favorite creative writing exercise ever, when my fourth grade teacher tore up pieces of paper with writing prompts on them, threw them all in a jar, and made us pick one and write a story. Except in this case, it was my favorite show, one of the funnest drugs, and a headline that was already getting SEO traction. So, as you can see, this was necessary.

I cranked this thing out in 90 minutes after signing off from work. I had to. I regret nothing.

I’ve thought about what would merit charging money for this Substack, and I thought if I ever posted any fiction, I’d make people pay for that. But since these characters don’t belong to me — and the West Wing/cocaine story is old news — I’m not gonna try to make money off of them. That feels unethical. Also, I still don’t really know what I’m doing here, so I don’t even know what I’m selling you.

Anyway — here is that scene, with apologies to Aaron Sorkin:

INT. LEO’S OFFICE - WEDNESDAY MORNING

LEO MCGARRY is on the phone, rubbing his temples, and it’s only a quarter after eight in the morning.

LEO: ... We won’t be giving the press anything regardless of what Secret Service policies are... Why? Because it’s not White House policy to throw chum to sharks. ...

As he continues to listen, JOSH LYMAN appears at the door. He gives the doorjamb a gentle knock and Leo waves him inside where he takes a seat and waits for Leo to finish his call.

LEO: ... Okay. I’ll expect to hear several updates. Thank you, Ron.

Leo hangs up the phone and exhales, looking at his expectant deputy.

LEO: Someone found cocaine in the lobby.

JOSH (after a beat): Our lobby?

LEO: Yeah.

JOSH: Someone found cocaine in the lobby of the White House?

LEO: Yes.

JOSH: Who found it?

LEO: Secret Service agents.

JOSH: And I’m assuming it wasn’t theirs?

LEO: It was not.

JOSH: It wasn’t...?

LEO: No, Josh, it wasn’t mine.

JOSH: Okay.

LEO: Josh?

JOSH: Just making sure.

LEO: Yeah.

Before the moment can get even more tense, TOBY ZIEGLER and SAM SEABORN enter.

TOBY: The Secret Service found cocaine in the lobby of the West Wing of the White House.

LEO: I’m fully aware and it sounds like you are too. Who called you, Ron Butterfield?

TOBY: Someone from his office, yeah. He keeps me in the loop in case we need to go on the defense. So, why do we need to be on defense? Who has ruined a gloriously slow news cycle on a Wednesday morning with drug-related buffoonery?

JOSH: Sam, you’re kinda quiet. Were you doing cocaine in the West Wing on Sunday night while giving unauthorized tours?

SAM (laughing): Of course not, I was working.

TOBY: Wait, you were here?

SAM: Um, yeah, I was finishing up the President’s remarks for the NATO meeting.

TOBY: And you were in the White House the night someone left cocaine here?

SAM (pause): Yes.

CJ CREGG bursts in, a storm of tailored blazer and fury.

CJ: Okay, if it was any one of you doing blow in the lobby, I’m going to have to explain to the White House Press Corps why I committed murder where the President signs bills into law.

LEO: Who has it?

CJ: They all have it, Leo! It’s cocaine, it’s the White House, it’s all over the place!

JOSH: It wasn’t in a little bag or something?

CJ: Leo!

LEO: CJ, the Secret Service is doing their own investigation with the full cooperation of the White House. And we don’t comment on any ongoing investigations.

TOBY: What are they saying?

CJ: Well, Toby, they’re making a lot of jokes. Mostly about Leo.

JOSH (to Leo): See?

Leo rolls his eyes so hard that it conjures the ghosts of previous chiefs of staff, who immediately leave so they can claim plausible deniability.

CJ: Oh no, Skippy, they’re making plenty of jokes about you too.

JOSH: Me? Cocaine?

TOBY: Josh, I swear, if we find out you might have a thing with cocaine...

JOSH: I don’t, but...

CJ: “But” what?

JOSH: Oh no, I just figured if they were making cocaine jokes it would be about Sam.

SAM: Huh?

CJ: Why Sam?

JOSH: Well, Leo is the obvious choice, but Sam is... careless.

SAM: Hey!

TOBY: He’s... not wrong.

SAM: Toby!

LEO: Sam, just tell me you don’t...

He waves his hands to indicate he just needs the truth, especially a truth that means he didn’t have any history doing cocaine.

Sam is suddenly suspiciously quiet.

SAM: Oh.

A pall falls over the room, and all eight eyes bore into Sam like white hot lasers.

TOBY: “Oh” what?

SAM (choosing his words very carefully): I may have, at some point, ventured into the lobby that night.

LEO: CJ, close the door.

CJ quickly closes Leo’s door.

SAM: I may have... done someone a favor.

JOSH: Who?

SAM: There was this, um, young woman.

TOBY: Sam...

SAM: No, no, she said there was a little event with the White House Social Secretary. But she left her ID in her car, so she asked if I could bring her bag inside while she got it. I was going out for a pretzel and I figured it could wait. And she asked me if I knew the security guards in the lobby, and obviously I do. So I brought the bag inside.

LEO: Did you happen to look in the bag?

SAM: No.

CJ: So, when you were getting a pretzel...

SAM: I didn’t. I didn’t end up getting a pretzel.

CJ: When you were outside not getting a pretzel, you smuggled a dime bag of cocaine into the White House while a stranger told you she was getting her ID?

SAM (another pause): It’s possible.

JOSH: So, a senior member of the White House staff snuck cocaine--

SAM: Might have accidentally brought cocaine--

TOBY: Sam, I don’t know if the global press is going to appreciate the nuance here.

CJ: Damnit, Sam!

SAM: What? I was supposed to go through a strange woman’s bag and assume she had a schedule II narcotic on her?

JOSH: Why did you take a strange woman’s bag in the first place?

SAM: I just meant she was a stranger.

JOSH: That doesn’t make it better!

LEO: Okay, everyone just shut up for a second. CJ, the White House doesn’t comment on Secret Service investigations.

CJ: Good enough for me.

LEO: Sam, run, don’t walk, to Ron Butterfield’s office and tell him everything you know, do not leave out any details.

SAM: Okey-doke.

JOSH: The blow by blow, Sam.

LEO: Josh.

JOSH: Sorry.

LEO: And Toby?

TOBY: I won’t kill Sam.

LEO: Thank you.

TOBY: I’ll just make him pay for this somehow.

LEO: Fair enough. Back to work.

As CJ, Toby, Josh, and Sam leave as if they’ve all been fed a shit sandwich, Sam turns to Josh.

SAM: Hey, Josh?

JOSH: Yeah?

SAM: Nothing. Just... it’s “sneaked.”

Josh stares at Sam.

SAM: You said “snuck” before, when you were accusing me...

JOSH: Sam...

SAM: But it’s “sneaked.”

JOSH: You’re not in the position to...

SAM: Yeah.

END.